9 September 2010

The Zoo Toilet

Running through the door
I was busting for a whizz
That day I had gone shopping
And drunken too much fizz

Stumbling to the toilet
Fumbling with my flies
Suddenly I fell forward
And couldn't believe my eyes

While kneeling by the toilet
I looked it to the bowl
And saw to my amazement
A cuddly tiger doll

The toilet was full of stuffed toys
It somehow looked like a zoo
There were monkeys and lions

And Gorillas to name a few

Today my little brother
Oh, he must have been so bored
He thought he'd cage his animals
And show off his impressive hoard

I never knew he had so many
As I pulled them one by one
An alligator, a chimp
I wasn't nearly done

To my surprise at the bottom
A dolphin did I find
My brother thought it was edible
And now that dolphin's blind

Finally a panda was pulled out
But was ripped at the seam
Then, I found my self looking at the ceiling
And realised it was a dream

Of course my brother hadn't
Put is toys in the crapper
No, his favourite parrot
Still looks proper dapper

I must have fallen down
And smashed my creative head
On that ceramic bowl
It could have rendered me dead

But instead I'm here today
Telling u this story
It feels like CBBC
And I'm on Jackanory!!!

Creature of the Night


It was the middle of the Night
And all through the house
Nothing was stirring
Not even a mouse

Except for this being
In a corner it sat
With white cricket boots
And a small paper hat

It sat and walked at the same time
With feet and tentacles on his bum
It moved to this machine in the other corner
With a screen and keyboard which can make you dumb

He sits and writes in 3rd person
To make it seem more arty
All night he taps at the keyboard
And every now and then nibbles at a smartie

He thinks he's a comedian
But in reality he's crap
Writing funny sketches and poems
As his fans cross their fingers in their laps

But here's some advice if you meet this creature
If you encounter some of his pieces
Please just smile and humour him
Or he might decide to give you some diseases

Ode to Hamster

Hey there hamster
Spinning in a wheel
You sleep all day
And eat at night, what is the deal

You keep me up with your incessant gnawing
Its almost like your trying to break out
You store food in your cheeks
So you have a constant pout

Sometimes I wish I was a hamster
Snuggled in wool all day
I can pee where ever i like
Making my master pay

I'd get fed almost daily
And a load of fresh water
It's a shame we only live 2 years
Much like sheep who go for slau....

Walking In Wellies


Lying on my back
Looking in to the rain
I put on my big Mack
And walked out in to the lane

The puddles around me grew
But I was not scared
I could have drowned for all you knew
But I was prepared

With my umbrella by my side
And a packet of baby jellies
I strode along with pride
With my big and blue Wellies

The water gushed around me
The storm grew and brewed
The level rose to my knee
And a little drain spewed 

Gallantly did I toddle?
In an unprecedented storm
It was such a doddle
My Wellies kept me dry and warm

Thank god for this rubber boot
That protects me from the wet
It fits around my miss-shaped foot
And means that we wouldn't have not met

For now I can walk forever
And cross unlimited land
Oh my Wellies are so clever
Even on quick sand

Whenever I want to see you
Be it rain or snow
I'll bravely traverse the morning dew
With my Wellies in tow